The recent shooting at the L. Fitness gym in Pennsylvania is a painful reminder of this. At the heart of all hatred is blame, and this is particularly true for hatred turned outward.
This quote from Siddhartha Buddha says it all: Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. I like this quote because the antidote for hatred is definitely within your grasp.
The hand that slaps also has the potential to become the hand that comforts. It all depends how you choose to use that hand. This point is also made in this anecdote, Native American in origin: A grandfather talking to his young grandson tells the boy he has two wolves inside of him, struggling with each other.
The first is the wolf of peace, love and kindness. The other is the wolf of fear, greed and hatred. The more you hold onto hatred, the more likely it is that the hot coal of the emotion will burn you. And the more you feed it, the stronger it becomes. However, you can control the feelings that can lead to hatred. Simply think of H. E this way: H ealing A ggressive T houghts E motionally. Consider the following five steps to diffuse your hatred: 1.
We need some emotional variety —feeling good all the time might just get boring! The key is understanding—as opposed to avoiding conflict or suppressing bad feelings that are perfectly normal. Along with my colleague Serena Chen, I ran seven different studies of couples, conflict, and relationship satisfaction.
But when they came out of conflict feeling understood, there was no negative impact on relationship satisfaction. We got these results in a number of different ways. People who reported fighting frequently—but who at the same time felt understood by their partners—were no less satisfied with their relationships than people who rarely fight.
People who remembered a past conflict in which they felt understood were no less satisfied than those in a control group; those who did not feel understood showed negative effects.
Figure out whether you're sacrificing too much in your relationship. Explore how to be a compassionate partner. Discover five ways to renew an old love. Do you love your partner compassionately? Take our compassionate love quiz. In our laboratory study, couples talked about a source of conflict in their relationship. In other words, relationships can survive conflict and bad feelings if partners never stop feeling seen by the other. Is it just that people are better able to find a solution to their problem if they understand each other?
Understanding does aid in conflict resolution, but it turns out that understanding can even help those fights that will never be resolved. Those issues may stem from political, religious, or personality differences, or maybe just different movie preferences. The first step is to take a deep breath and realize that this is part of life.
Sometimes we have to grin and bear it. But there are a few things we can do to make the best of a challenging situation. Often we so dread interacting with someone we dislike that our anxiety levels start mounting before we even step into the room with that person. Quiet your mind. If you feel your ire start to rise, focus on listening more and talking less. Most problems stem from the way we communicate with each other. Instead of reacting which often means overreacting , try explaining how you feel in a nonconfrontational tone.
Be specific about which behaviors make you upset and what you would like them to do to correct the problem. Extending common courtesies to everyone is a good rule of thumb, no matter who you are dealing with. Treating everyone with politeness and respect, even when you disagree, will create a baseline of civility.
That means treating others as you want to be treated. Even small gestures of kindness can help ease tensions and forge goodwill. Put on your best manners and focus on handling situations with grace and poise. If you do so, those around you will respect you and see you as having integrity. The reality is that dealing with a difficult person can be similar to picking your way through a minefield. For example, you may know that certain topics are hot-button issues with a person.
Focus on behaviors that she can control and describe how they impact you and your work together. If shared carefully, you may help her develop greater self-awareness and increase her effectiveness. But proceed cautiously.
You also need to be open to hearing feedback yourself. This type of cognitive reframing can be effective in situations where you have little to no control.
Harry was frustrated by Bruno but tried hard to withhold judgment. They spoke highly of his experience and his long history with the organization. Bruno then took Harry out to dinner and let him vent. Then he asked Harry to talk about some of the projects he had heard about from his former co-workers. Bruno then slowly began to bring up the other stories about past projects during team meetings and asked Harry to explain what he felt they could learn from those experiences. He wanted to be recognized for his past accomplishments in the eyes of the new company members.
Harry was much more cooperative when others asked for his viewpoint and acknowledged his expertise. Bruno had a much easier time working with him.
Harry eventually left the new company but the two parted on good terms. Alex found the major to be standoffish and quick to criticize. Even worse, the major often unloaded work on Alex.
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